Things didn’t go as I planned. Again, I was being optimistic, I hate it.
Woke up at 2:30am with only 1.5 hours of sleep from driving from Santa Monica to SD.
I came to San Diego to attend FilAmFest and see her. A friend of mine said “try to surprise her on Saturday. If you really want to end it a good note, you’d come to FilAmFest.” So I went thinking that i’ll leave this in a good note or even better, but things never go according to plan.
They offered me to be a volunteer, “why not?” I said. But I didn’t do much except manage traffic for two hours and sell drinks while organizing the money.
During the whole day, I was just thinking about her; What would I say, what would I do, what would I want when and if i see her? The whole day, my heart was beating an unusual rythem. I was shaking. I was constantly looking for her in the crowd, wondering if she would even come.
She came about an hour before the festival’s clean up.
She was wearing a dress, looked like a summer dress, strapless (I thought she took it from me beacuse I remember that I suggested that she would look really cute in a summer dress). It was a nice sun-faded white with green patters on it with cute little white shoes. Her hair was nicely curled, as if she got ready for a debut. She had interesting earings on, ones that matched perfectly with her summer dress. She had that bra tans rising over her sholders, the cute tan she told me about through a text that I still remembered.
Light shined through her dress and hair so perfectly, just as if she was an angel.
She was so beautiful today.
I got distracted.
I asked if I could talk to her somewhere quieter. We started to walk, tried to ask questions, trying to not make it seem awkward in any way. We talked near these logs. I asked her to sit on the logs, I sat next to her.. I would speak, she wouldn’t look at me much. She then just stood up infront of me. I just completely let everything out, I missed her, still loved her and how my situation is in Santa Monica and my current hardships. She said very little, walking around, messing with the wood chips on the ground, but her words were more powerful than the words coming out of my mouth.. One little sentence, I knew, that was it, there is not way, no more optimism. I was devistated.
I was a stupid kid. I haven’t felt this in a long time. It was if I was new to this. I did things that didn’t make scence and pisst people off even more.
The largest flaw about me is that, I suck when it comes to ambiguity. I’m very detail-oriendted, so I need to know every little thing about the issue, project, or whatever it is, just so I know what’s going on and what to do.
All I could do, when I felt the festival, tearing away, was remembering the memories i’ve had with her…